Today’s post was a difficult one to write. I have so many things on my mind that I want to share with you guys but I just don’t know how. I don’t want this to be a rambly complaint kind of post! You’ve probably noticed my absence (but I won’t blame you if you didn’t) and I just want to try and explain why I’ve been gone for so long. I don’t think this will be a “fun” post, but I need to get this off my chest.
Where Do I Even Start?
I have no idea where to start with this post. I’ve done no preparation for this, which is something I usually do extensively. I’m nowhere without my prep, really! But maybe that’s where the struggle starts. I hold on to my publishing days, my Trello board is my lifeline, I want to have my schedule done like a month in advance… That’s just what I do. But then I come up with an idea a month ahead and then when I start working on it, it’s not like I want it to be, or I’ve lost excitement about it before I’ve even begun writing the post. it’s an endless cycle. Sometimes, I’ll change things up a bit and work on something else and reschedule my original idea but most of the time, it’s never going to be published.
It’s Not “Just a Slump”
I’ve been in denial of my reading slump for ages. Before I went on holiday, I hadn’t finished a book for like a month and I kept saying “Oh, it’s not a slump!” But I guess, in the end, it was. And that’s okay, it happens. But with blogging, I really don’t feel like it’s a slump (and I’m not in denial!) I’ve had this thing brewing in my mind for ages. You probably all know about (and even relate, maybe?) my struggles as an international book blogger. And no, this isn’t going to be one of those rants about “the struggles of an intl. bookworm!” because it’s not. It’s a part of it, but not all.
I’ve been blogging for over two years. I’ve had some incredible opportunities like being on blog tours and reviewing books and interviewing an author. But those things are so rare to me. It’s not like I can say I have something cool like that every month. I kinda wish I did, honestly. Maybe I should be more active and try to find people to work with myself. Or maybe, I shouldn’t make those projects such a big deal. The thing is, I want to work with people. I want to promote the authors I love and the books I like! I can do that perfectly fine by myself. I can review the books I love, write posts on my favourite authors, make list type posts… The possibilities are endless, but they’re all so…. lonely. I guess. Blogging can be such a lonely thing.
Outside the Community
I feel like an outsider in the YA community. I know I do have friends, and I should make more of an effort to be a good friend to them, but I struggle so, so much with that. A huge part comes from my social anxiety, but mostly it comes from me feeling like I don’t belong. I’m even too afraid to link to any of my friends’ blogs because what if it’s just a one-sided friendship on my part? Imagine it’s winter and you’re out on the street not properly dressed for the weather and looking into someone’s warm and cosy house through the window while there’s a party going on. It sucks.
My biggest struggle with the community is that there’s too much negativity sometimes? I can’t go on Twitter without at least one person shitting on the books and authors I love. I should probably have a good look at who I’m following, but why can’t we focus on negativity? Why can’t we praise our favourite book instead of taking others done? I’m way too sensitive about this, I know, but it influences the way I act and feel. Also, have you noticed I never write anything about diversity or LGBTQ+ or mental health and stuff like that in books? It’s not because I don’t care or don’t have an opinion. I just don’t know what to say about it. I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and get hated for it. I mean, I lost a friend over a difference of opinion and I got sent hate because of it. I stay away from topics like that. Except I feel like you need to talk about stuff like that to stay relevant. I want books to be diverse and inclusive but I won’t lose sleep over reading a book that’s not. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. But it terrifies me to say something like this.
No Books & No Creativity
Just like having a closet full of clothes and having nothing to wear, I have a full bookshelf with nothing to blog about. I’ve either blogged about my favourite books already, or I don’t feel like rereading and writing the other books I have. I don’t really remember the last time I bought a book I was so excited about that I wanted to read it right away and blog about it and I miss that so much. I don’t mind blogging about backlist books. They deserve love, too! But you have to admit that it’s ten times more fun to blog about the latest releases.
I think the worst part is my lack of creativity. There’s so much you can do with books. It doesn’t have to be a review or a list or a discussion post! But at the moment, I’m just stuck. Like, I WANT to think of new, original and creative kinds of posts. I want to start taking beautiful photos again, but it’s just not working out. I hadn’t been on Instagram for ages and when I had a look at my feed again recently, it just made me depressed. I could never live up to that kind of quality of photos. I kind of don’t want to, because I want to be original and fun and do something different. Unfortunately, I lack the creativity necessary to do that.
I guess I’m trying to tell you guys what’s been on my mind for months now. I hope it’s not too rambly and inconsistent. I hope it didn’t make you feel depressed or annoyed with me. I just had to get it out. Is this something everyone goes through at some point? I’m honestly not sure what to point of this post is. It’s not like I feel better and ready to get things done. I simply don’t know what to do next. Maybe it’s time I go figure it out.